


"I will never forget you"

by idavt



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dalish, Elves, Evanuris, F/M, Fanfiction, My First Work in This Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:41:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23825479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idavt/pseuds/idavt
Summary: "Solas, var lath vir suledin.""I wish it could, vhenan."---The only thing that had kept them together had now been torn apart from her.For her own good, he said; her conscience too loud and just, her heart too pure to tear down everything she had fought for. He could not ask her to sacrifice all she had built, for him.For his own good, she said; his view of her world overshadowed all she had shown him. She wished to change his mind, but in less than a blink of an eye she had offered to let him tear everything away.What sacrifices are they willing to make for each other?
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Solas, Fen'Harel/Female Lavellan, Lavellan & Solas
Kudos: 3





	1. Out of thin air

**Author's Note:**

> The events in this chapter takes place circa one year after the Trespasser DLC. The Inquisition has been disbanded, but Lavellan and a few of her companions still remain at Skyhold.  
> Translations:  
> Setheneran - “land of waking dreams”  
> Var Bellanaris - name of ancient Elvhen gravesite in the Exalted Plain  
> Elvhenan - “place of our people”, the elven kingdom before humans arrived

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The events in this chapter takes place circa one year after the Trespasser DLC. The Inquisition has been disbanded, but Lavellan and a few of her companions still remain at Skyhold.
> 
> Translations:  
> Setheneran - “land of waking dreams”  
> Var Bellanaris - name of ancient Elvhen gravesite in the Exalted Plains  
> Elvhenan - “place of our people”, the elven kingdom before humans arrived

As if out of thin air, the torch on the wall next to me started glistening with hues of green and blue. I remember the first time he told me about this strange fire that could be summoned from the Veil. We Dalish call places where it is weakened _setheneran_ ; a land of waking dreams. Never before had I noticed this in Skyhold. His presence, or lack thereof, could be the reason. Yet another thing reminding me of him.

During the years I’ve been in Skyhold, I’d never really spent much time in the eastern part of the castle. The library had now become my refuge. The musky smell of old leather bindings brings back memories from studying while I was younger. I’d sit with the Keeper by the fire in the early morning hours, long before the other children of the clan were awake. Hours upon hours I’d spend with my face buried in the few history books that we still possessed. I couldn’t comprehend that Elvhenan had ever existed, but as Inquisitor I had experienced it firsthand. From the enormous ruins in the Emerald Graves, to the gravesite Var Bellanaris, and not to mention the Temple of Mythal; I had admired all these wonders, while he had looked upon them with regret and sorrow. How could I not have noticed? 

“My lady? A word?”, a voice from outside the door of the cramped and hidden-away study asks. I put down my book, and try to direct my thoughts back to reality. Away from him.

“What is it?”. I don’t recognize the man immediately as I step outside the door. 

“Perhaps you do not remember our last encounter? I am Connor, from Redcliff, yes?”.

I do recall stumbling upon him in Redcliff all those years ago. We had offered him to come with us to Haven after we secured the help of the mages to seal the Breach.

“I almost didn’t recognize you, Connor. Did you just arrive?”

“No, my lady. It’s almost a week since I arrived. I did not wish to disturb you, so I let my business wait.”

“Alright, so what can I do for you?”, slightly embarrassed of the fact that I’d spent  _ more _ than a week in the library, only sneaking out at nightfall to avoid attention, I close the door behind me, and start strolling towards the stairs to the upper floor. 

“I have a matter that might interest you, or, it certainly interests me, and I thought you’d want to know what’s been going on.”. 


	2. More questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has some theories about the elven disappearances, and Lavellan meets an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Vallaslin - “blood writing”, face tattoos; slave markings

We stop at the top of the staircase, and I gesture him to the balcony overseeing the Great Hall.

“I’m afraid there a few topics that interest me nowadays; no rifts, no Breach, I’m all but retired!”, casual sarcasm that Dorian for sure would’ve caught onto. I miss him.

“As I was travelling the long way ‘round Lake Calenhad to retrieve some of my belongings in the Circle, I met your archainist, Dagna. She told me she was researching ways to locate this elven mage.”

“You met Dagna? Did she tell you anything about this elf?”, I said as I let my body meld with the cool stone wall.

“Only that there is no way anyone couldn’t have noticed anything unusual lately. She said there must be people covering up for his disappearance. Agents, scouts, spies; they must be everywhere.”

“I still don’t see what you’re bringing to the table, Connor. This is information we’ve had for months.”, it was too much to hope for any new leads on his location, or what he was planning. There had been suspicious disappearances of elves all over Thedas recently, but no one knew where they went. I know they have gone to him, but who was spreading this information, and why couldn’t I get ahold of it?

“Dagna uncovered a scroll from Kinloch Holds’ cellar. It must have been there for centuries, and no one even bothered to archive it. Although somewhat mouldy and water stained, it was still readable. It addresses the tattoos that Dalish elves put on their faces.”

“Yes, the v _allaslin_. Blood writing.”, it still shocked people how my face was bare from the markings. It broke my heart to hear him say what they had represented. The thoughts that must have haunted him everytime he saw my face; I was ashamed for a time after that, but ultimately happy he could erase them.

“There is magic in the markings. Hence why a Keeper of a clan is the only one who can perform the ritual of the branding - ”, he paused as if he wanted me to confirm what he was saying was true.

“You’re correct, go on.”

“Yes, so, I believe there might be a connection.”, as eagerly as a child his face lit up, and he started pacing on the spot.

“You mean you think there’s a correlation between..?”, this conversation was turning grimmer than what I expected it to.

“Between the _vallaslin_ and the disappearances, of course.”

“And this is all based off of speculations, because you found a forgotten piece of paper in the basement of a haunted castle? Connor, we need _proof_ , we need more than just wild guesses on this.”

“I think it’s something worth looking into, my Lady.”, something told me he knew more than he was letting off. He was far too eager, and there is no way these disappearances are only limited to those branded by the _vallaslin_.

I dismissed Connor, and went to my chambers. After laying down some distance between the conversation we just had, I realize how strange it actually was. Why, of all people, is Connor, a noble in Ferelden, interested in the disappearances? Did his favourite servant run away, or something? I smil at the thought, but it withers away as fast as it came to mind.

As I am closing the door to my quarters, I feel a presence in the room with me.

_Cole_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character in this chapters:  
> Female Lavellan, mage  
> Connor, son of the arl of Redcliff


	3. White lilies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both painful and joyous, the encounter with someone unexpected turns out to be just what was needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To give the reader a more personal experience, I've chosen not to include the inquisitor's name. Instead, [y/n] (short for "your name") will be inserted. Use your own name, or the name you've given your Lavellan ^_^  
> Translations:  
> Aravel - “land ships”, wagons used by the Dalish pulled by halla

**Chapter 3**

A flood of built up emotions starts rushing through my entire body, capsulating me in sadness and weariness. My knees almost gave in to the weight of the thoughts and the memories I had been blocking out, and as I made my way up the last few steps to my room, I get a glimpse of Cole’s hat next to my bed.

“I know.”, I said as my steps staggered onto the fur in front of the fireplace. 

“You hurt.”

“ _I know_ … I’m pretty used to it by now.”

“No, you’re not. You’ll never get used to the hurt. It continues to break you down until you don’t wish to live any longer.”

I had bid my farewell to Cole a long time ago, and I didn’t expect that he would find his way to me again. He wanted to help ease pain where it was needed, and a silly heartbreak like mine shouldn’t have bothered him. Funny how he would show up _now_ , though. This clearly wasn’t my lowest point; for a fortnight I didn’t even leave my quarters after returning to Skyhold. I rejected every person coming to my aid, and only let the maid in and out with firewood and food. I barely ate, barely slept, barely cried; I was an empty shell of what I used to be. Slowly, as anonymously as when I first joined the inquisition, I started walking the gardens at morning, and found myself drawn to the library/study by the kitchen. 

“What makes you think I do not wish to live any longer? I have never - “, but I realized then that I had in fact given up on myself.

“You think that if you just keep layering on, shielding yourself in blissfulness, that you can keep on living like you did before. You can’t, inquisitor!” 

“I’m not the inquisitor any longer, Cole.”

“ _You should be concerned about the Inquisition. Your Inquisition_.”

“He… he used me, Cole. All I fought for was a means to an end. His end. The Inquisition didn’t… mean anything. Not in the long run.”

The fire steadily crackling in the hearth resembled rain drops over a tightly stretched sail of an _aravel_ , almost making my homesick. I could feel the heat caressing my cheeks, surrounding me with the smell of pine and daisies; this was Cole’s doing, no question about that.

“I prefer the smell of lilies.”, I chuckle.

“You prefer his smell: _earthy, slightly cool like the sharp cut of the morning air. You sigh in his arms, taking in every inch of your body touching his, wishing he’d inch in closer, but he never lingers any longer than this. Uneasy about his feelings, he pulls away to -_ “

“Stop, _please_ .”, I keep reliving this moment every time I close my eyes. Every night, in every dream I _feel_ his presence, but every time I look for him it disappears. Stuck in this limbo is worse than anything. I’d rather live without any memory at all. I’d rather live without my magic. I’d rather not live at all.

“You need to face it, [y/n]. I can’t erase your hurt. It is as much his, as it is yours.”

“His? He chose this! He could’ve made me hurt less, Cole. I would’ve gone with him. I would have given him everything. I would’ve understood. I - “

“ _He_ saw it as the only way _he_ wouldn’t hurt any more.”

A few seconds of complete silence fell upon the room.

“Have you… spoken to him?”

“I don’t have to.”

Of course he didn’t have to. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that Cole is, and will always be: just a spirit. With his pale skin and large hollowed out eyes, he looks ghoulish, but the form he presents himself with is as human as any. Most people could never spot the difference. 

“Keep searching. He’s right under your nose. Let yourself feel, [y/n], and he will do the same…”

The light shifted from a foggy yellow back to the normal sheen from the open door to my left. He disappeared. 

Leaving me feeling lighter than I had for months, I sat down by my desk, shuffling through some papers in a neat stack. I come upon one of Sera’s drawings; an arse sticking out of a bale of hay, and a woman resembling Vivienne unawarely sitting on top of it. Damn it, I miss Sera too. We might have had our disagreements, but she lightened the mood at times, that’s for sure. 

Unaware of the night creeping up on me, I sat for hours reminiscing about old memories with the inquisition. Piles on piles of reports from Cullen and Leliana, outcasts from Varric’s books, shopping lists from Vivienne, Grey Warden documents I’d found for Blackwall, and my own notes on missions and what I’d learned from them.

Inside a small leather notebook, about the size of my palm tied together with strings of more woven leather, I notice the tiny white petal from a lily. As I unwrap its bindings, the fragile flower slips out from the pages, and softly lands on the floor in front of me. I don’t bother picking it up straight away, because I notice that the book I am holding does not belong to me. It is _his_ . “ _Solas_ ”, I whisper softly, halfway expecting Cole to appear before my eyes again. He must have left it here one of the times he had come to chat with me. I remember those times with no resentment, and it brings me joy to think about it. From time to time he’d visit me to answer any and all questions I had, though I know now that he knew more than he had me believe. Oh, how naive I was. I’ve always been. 

I wrap up the book again; I want to keep this small fragment of happiness tonight. I’ll look through it some other time. As for the flower that’s still laying on the floor, I shove the chair slightly out to give myself more space, but the withered and crumbled petals are no longer dead; it looks freshly cut, as if someone just recently picked it. I reach for it, but as my fingers grasp at it, 

it disappears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters in this chapter:  
> Female Lavellan, mage  
> Cole, spirit of compassion


	4. Tarasyl'an Te'las

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dread Wolf's waking sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:   
> Ir abelas, vhenan - I am sorry, my heart  
> Tel’abelas - You are not sorry  
> Eluvian - mirror  
> Tarasyl'an Te'las - Skyhold

_ “Ir abelas, vhenan.” _

_ “Tel’abelas. If you care, give me the truth.” _

_... _

_ “Why does this world have to die for the elves to return?” _

_ “A good question, but not one I will answer.” _

_ … _

_ The anchor now pulsing with magic, making the hairs on the back of his neck rise, he could tell time was running out. Timed perfectly. The eluvian behind him calling out for his return made him rush the goodbye. _

_ “...my love.”, hunching down for one last kiss, one last chance to save her, he takes the stolen magic from her hand. Knowing that what comes next, he will not bear to witness, he turns away and walks to the mirror. Her eyes boring into his back with guilt and confusion as he disappears. He would never forget her. _

_ ___________________________________________________________________________ _

Tonight the dream was different, almost edited to make him feel more guilty than usual. He could never bring himself to change the memories about her. They should remain as they are, making his consciousness ever more heavy. He deserved it, after all. 

Lately the Fade had become an unpleasant place to be. Wherever he dreamt himself to there would be something reminding him of what he did and what he was about to do. Did her pain really carry this far out? Clutching the feeling of guilt in his stomach, trying to make sense of the direction it was guiding him, he was directed to _ Tarasyl'an Te'las _ . His own fortress. Where the sky is held back; Skyhold, now hers. 

_ In her place one hundred candles burning, a glass of red wine on the throne’s right side table. The sun lighting up the room from the ceiling that was now lifted, the candles still brighter than the light from above. Silence. Not a single creature to be sensed. His footsteps seemed to echo in the entire world as he walked towards her throne.  _

_ Elgara vallas, da'len (sun sets, little one) _

_ Melava somniar (time to dream) _

_ Mala tara aravas (your mind journeys) _

_ Ara ma'desen melar (but I will hold you here) _

_ A faint, unknown voice whispers from the dark. Female. It repeats, and moves along the wall in the room. Suddenly ice cold, his breath becomes heavier and he finds himself shivering. The voice slithering around him, spotting it in the corners of his eyes, but still unable to see it. The coldness shoots through him one last time -  _

  
  


He’s awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters in this chapter:  
> Solas (Fen’Harel)


	5. Seasons change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan and Loranil leaves Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:  
> Lethallan/lethallin - word used for an acquaintance [male/female]  
> Aneth ara - friendly phrase to greet someone you’re familiar with  
> Ma melava halani - phrase; “You helped me”

Summer had turned to autumn, and autumn was now turning to winter. Honestly I don’t have a favourite season; I love the colours of the autumn, the crisp air in the winter, and the sound of footsteps on freezing snow, the birdsong in the spring, and cool mountain winds through the trees in the hot summer. 

I longed to the forest again, and soon I would be headed out with Loranil to meet Connor near Redcliff. After I had sent him away, Connor had kept sending updates on his studies. I do not know him quite well enough yet, so I try to remain neutral in the findings he’s presented. Leliana says her network was picking up ever so few sightings of elves disappearing into unexplored mountain passes and other desolate areas, but none concentrated enough to pursue yet. 

I ready my packs, and make sure to stop by the Harritt to fit my new gear. Losing an arm, as you can imagine, is quite an adjustment. Instead of wielding a staff, Dagna, with the help of Dorian, was able to create a talisman powerful enough to harness the same force a staff would’ve given me. This meant an intense amount of re-training because I could not physically, with my body as an _anchor_ , summon my magic as efficiently. Drawing from my mana core, I had to mentally create and shape what I normally would use my whole body to conjure forth. It meant less physical strain, but I would be exhausted after just a few minutes of simply throwing rocks through the air. After a while I was able to summon more powerful magic such as fireballs and energy releases. 

My power wasn’t what it used to be, but I had, after all, spent all my life mastering it. The progress I had made impressed several, and Senior Enchanters had rarely seen someone kick back the way I did. _I suppose I’m pretty badass even without my mark_ I frequently thought to myself. And yes, it might have slipped out of my mouth a few times too.

I spot Loranil impatiently waiting by the stables, and for some time now he’d stopped wearing his clan’s armor. Dressed in a green and brown de-sigiled inquisition armor with his bow on his back, he eagerly brought my horse forward as he spotted me.

“[y/n]! I’ve been waiting here all morning, _lethallin_. I was beginning to think you changed your mind again.”

“ _Aneth ara_ , Loranil. I reckoned a few months time off in Skyhold wasn’t so bad!”

“Hah, say that again. The world is free of chaos now, and the place you want to holiday at is your war fortress?”

The soldier guarding the gate assisted me up on my horse, as another secured my bags at the sides of my saddle. Loranil threw himself onto his horse, and the gates were opened. The sun was just on the rise, but the trek was long, and the winds were cold. Nothing any of us hadn’t faced before, of course.

“How are you really holding up, _lethallin_?”, he asked as our horses paced next to each other. A gust of wind startled the horses as we neared the treeline. 

“Honestly?”, I let out with a loud sigh.

“Of course... _Ma melava halani_. Let me help you.”, his eyes diverted to the horizon on our right. Perhaps he thought it too personal to ask such a thing from his former ‘employer’.

I let out a short huff; calm and thoughtful.

“Thank you, Loranil. But my burdens are mine alone this time around. I’ll let you know if I need anything, alright?”

He looks over shyly and smiles as me. I smile back, and I notice his cheeks turn slightly more pink than they already were from the cold wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters in this chapter:  
> Female Lavellan, mage  
> Loranil, Dalish elf


	6. One of the People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan and Loranil are still travelling together. She admits more than she usually would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6  
> Translations:  
> Ma serannas - phrase; “you have my thanks”/“thank you”

After several long hours down the mountain we finally reached the lowlands. The trees were almost bare of leaves, the ground smelled of decay. Mud puddles covered most of the dirt roads we were travelling on. I glanced over at Loranil, he looked weary, and almost as if he was about to slide right off his horse. The steed I was riding huffed impatiently as if she could read my mind; we were going to rest soon. 

“We should make camp just up ahead here.”, I said as I pointed at an abandoned hut just up the hill. I’d marked it on the map as an old camp Leliana’s scouts used to stay at.

“Oh, _ma serannas_ , [y/n]. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to suggest that we stop?”, he sighs with relief. 

“If you were _that_ tired, Loranil, you could’ve just asked. Besides, the horses are tiering. So, technically, we’re not stopping for _your_ sake…”. He shakes his head and grins at me.

“Good thing you still got your humor, Inquisi- no, sorry. [ _y/n_ ].”

“It’s alright. I’ve no problem with people still calling me by that title.”, but really my stomach turned to a knot every time someone used it.

The sun had set, but the moon guided us through the trees. Only a few clouds lingered on the horizon as the wind pushed them further and further north. I slid out of my saddle to investigate the hut in front of us. The frost was beginning to grab ahold of the entire forest, and the ground was slowly submitting to it. Young trees surrounding the hut scraped up against its walls, making it sound as if someone was trying to get inside. Quietly I went around the back while Loranil brought the horses closer. The hut was, as expected, empty.

“Tie them up there.”, I say as I point to a tree on his left. 

“Will this be safe for the night?”, he asks as we unsaddle the horses. The sky was now deep and blue, specks of light all over it.

“I believe so. Inquisition scouts used this hut earlier. Let’s get a fire started inside. Would you wrap in the horses?”, I reach him some blankets and compressions for their legs. 

As Loranil tended to the horses, I entered the hut to find it almost completely emptied out. A chair by a table, some old clothing, a fireplace with little to no ash, and a stack of firewood by the wall. Acceptably clean, at least. I took the tinder out from my backpack and reached for some of the wood. Sparks flew up to the roof as I conjured a tiny speck of ember in the dried up moss in my hands. With the fire lit, I went back outside to check on Loranil. 

“Looks good inside, are you finished soon?”

“Yes, forgive me, but I’m not used to tending horses. Would you..?”, he glanced at the other horse, then back at me. I understood, though. Not all clans had horses. Many still relied on halla to help carry and pull. Clan Lavellan had always raised horses of their own; black and white steeds, slightly hot-headed, but always ready to work, and grew restless if we just let them be.

“I don’t remember seeing horses when I encountered your clan, Loranil. But you did have a great deal of halla. Hence you vallaslin, I suppose?”

“Ah, yes. I’d never been on the back of one until I joined the Inquisition. Quite an adjustment from wandering the forests and wastelands to go to a place like Skyhold.”

“I know the feeling, lethallan. Imagine living your life peacefully in the Free Marches, and next thing you know you’re the sole survivor of an explosion that quite literally changed the fate of the entire world. I never saw anything but those woods. Until the Keeper sent me to investigate the Conclave.”

“I guess you’re not all that unrelatable after all, lethallin.”

“You thought of me as… unrelatable?”, I always wanted to set an example for other elves in my role as inquisitor. I never wanted to seem holy or unfamiliar. 

“Well, you were an example for all of us. And you even helped that elven ambassador lady become a _nobel_ in Orlais. You inspired a great deal of us to riot and break free from old traditions. Look at me! But you were always high up there. Soaring where most of us couldn’t follow. And sometimes that… felt strange, kind of conflicting.”

“Wow… I never-”

“No, no, of course you couldn’t have. You were busy, more busy than most. Most people understood.”

“Thank you Loranil. I know what that feeling is like. Being inspired by someone, and trying to live up to them, when your own expectations of yourself overseeds those of most. I know someone like which you’re describing.”

“May I ask who?”, he carefully added after a few moments of silence. Usually I wouldn’t have answered. But this time I did.

“Do you remember my closest companions? Like the Seeker, and Varric and the qunari?”

“Yes, most of them. Was it- “, I interrupt him before he managed to finish his sentence.

“Yes. Him. The elf.”

“I see. I knew that already, lethallin. I never spoke to him, or you, really, during the time of the inquisition. But we could all tell.”

Somehow that was comforting. That people knew. And they knew why I was broken. We never officially addressed what had happened at the Winter Palace. Not that it was necessary. The only one who could stop Solas was me. I just had to find a way to get to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters in this chapter:  
> Female Lavellan, mage  
> Loranil, Dalish elf
> 
> (lol this story is lowkey turning into Loranil fluff, I'm trying not to get too carried away xD)

**Author's Note:**

> This my first ever fan-fiction about Lavellan x Solas, so I'd appreciate any feedback or corrections! This first part is quite short as I'm criticizing every word I put down on the page :P I'm open to suggestions for the direction of the story, and I'll gladly incorporate any ideas where I see fit xD


End file.
